Derek met Sarah on Only Fans,

An annual subscription to her platinum plan,

He took her to lunch at the Honky Tonk,

Several months later he thought that he'd ask,

Are we...

Just friends?

Just friends?

They'd walk the sea front hand-in-hand,

He thought she was the best thing that he'd ever had,

But his simping smile nearly cost him his life,

Misguided idolising was nothing but strife,

He'd answer her calls at 3:00am,

Collect her from hotels like the Premier Inn,

One night she got drunk and offered ménage à trois,

And that's the night that Derek met Mustafa.

Are we...

Just friends?

Just friends?

Just friends?

Just friends?

She needs someone, to share her troubles,

She needs someone, to rely on,

She needs someone, to talk to,

She said she loves you, but like a brother.

But, what about the evenings?

He'd keep you warm and safe at night,

But, what about the money?

The financed car and the rent,

But, what about the diamonds?

The gold card and rescinded debt?

And, Dereks heart split in two when you say.

We're just friends,

Just friends,

Just friends,

Just friends.